What's in a name?

Since most of us here were able to consciously choose the names we choose to use on the internet, as opposed to the names that our parents bestowed upon us without our consent, there is usually a story behind the names. Some may choose to tell that story, and others may not.  Since my site here is to tell my story, I will choose to relate that information.

For a great number of years, my inner feminine being existed solely through my desire to wear women's clothing.  Up until a few years ago, when the urge to seek community coupled with my knowledge of the internet and all that it can provide, Arianwen did not have a name.  The main reason for the lack of a name was the lack of necessity -- since Arianwen was only internal to M (and ensconced firmly and deeply in the closet), there was no need.  In fact, the necessity for a name never really materialized until a brief time after I outed myself to W, who would eventually become my spouse.

W, started the creative juices flowing with commentary along the lines of, "when you are dressed, there is a subtle shift in your personality."  As I had never been dressed in women's clothing, except in places and situations where discovery was as impossible as possible, I had never noticed that I might be "acting" differently.  After dwelling on this for a while afterwards, as well as with further input from W, I finally came to the conclusion that this "other woman" was distinct enough to warrant a name.

At about the same time that this was going on in my head, another consciousness was being developed -- W was only a month or two from giving birth to a child of our union and love, and we both decided to wait until the child was born to figure out the gender of the baby.  While I was nearly 100% confident that the baby's gender would be male (dare I call it women's intuition?), W was not wanting to leave the naming of the child to fate so about one week before the baby was due to be delivered, via C-section, we eventually decided to look at names in case the baby's gender was discovered to be female.  The name for the child, if the gender was male, was already completely covered, as I was able to successfully lobby for reusing my father's name.

Both M's time in Wales (M got to spend over a year living there while going to college) and his Welsh ancestry were very strong determinants in the choosing of names, and M was able to successfully lobby for names which would celebrate that heritage (this is also why the Welsh flag is contained within the avatar/image used for Arianwen's profile picture).  Since W and I found ourselves in a bookstore without her daughter, we came across a book of names and started to look through it.  I couldn't settle on any one name that sounded "right," (since I already "knew" that the child's gender would be male), so it was narrowed down to two names which would be reviewed after the baby was born -- Arianrhod and Bronwen.

After the birth of the baby, which of course was a male and was named, like myself, after my late father, those two names stuck in my brain for a while longer.  Although it was never a fully conscious decision, I ended up creating the name, Arianwen Morgana.  The first name is actually a cross between Arianrhod (silver wheel) and Bronwen (fair beauty), and the last name is a play on a common Welsh surname (Morgan).

The other names used throughout my entries are "M," for Me in male mode, and "W," for the Wife of M.

Can you help a fellow out?

I received this request, via e-mail, today.  I've already participated and it would be nice if you could help out in Tre's project.

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You are invited to participate in the Trans Gender Embodied States of Recognition research project, which explores recognition and experiences using personal identification documentation (IDs). The survey, which may take 10 to 30 minutes to complete, includes questions about your gender identification, IDs and experiences using them, name and pronoun recognition, your transition-related decisions, how you have felt in the past week, and basic demographic information.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TG_States_of_Recognition

As a transguy, I am personally affected and committed to positive contributions regarding trans research. My goal is to provide information that can be used by social justice advocates to help improve our lives. One benefit of this research includes contributing to existing gaps in current research on recognition. Specifically, I hope to provide more evidence and support of the diversity among trans people in order to expand our legal recognition.

Please feel free to contact me or my advisor with any questions you may have about this research or your participation. I may be reached by email at tlwentli@maxwell.syr.edu. My advisor, Andrew London, may be reached by telephone at (315) 443-3252 or by email atanlondon@maxwell.syr.edu. If you have any further questions regarding your rights as a participant, or if you have any questions, concerns, or complaints that you would like to address to someone other than the investigator and project advisor, or you cannot reach either, you may contact the Syracuse University Office of Research and Integrity Protections by phone at (315) 443-3013. This research has been approved by the Syracuse University IRB (reference # 11-125).

Your participation is deeply appreciated.

Tre Wentling, PhD Candidate
Syracuse University
Department of Sociology, 302 Maxwell Hall
Syracuse, New York 13244

Halloween 2006, Part II

Thank you for your wonderful comments on the first part of this story, and after a bit of encouragement, here is the rest of the story (my apologies, for taking so long, as that was not my intent).


I left my bedroom feeling as though I was way above Cloud Nine, and the tell-tale sound of my two-inch heels clicking and clacking on the floor were giving me tiny little thrills about the decision I had finally made to actually let Arianwen experience life in the physical world.  While I would have preferred to have a wig with red hair, that was the only negative thought going through my head during this two second passage out of the bedroom and towards the dining room/kitchen area.  My son and step-daughter were having breakfast in the dining area and were very vocal about the unpleasant surprise I gave them walking into the room dressed up as Arianwen. I knew that they were not reacting to my amateur application of makeup, and their reaction was foreshadowing of Arianwen's future.

Being the affable person I normally am, as well as feeling an exhilaration in how I was dressed for the day, I jokingly referred to my "costume" as a one-time thing and that as a Halloween costume it turned out to be scary for the kids.  Although I usually dropped the kids off at school in the morning, I had made arrangements with my spouse, W, to take care of this, so I bade everyone in the house a good day and proceeded to my car.  As I was walking down the driveway (again, with the wonderful click-clack sounds trailing behind me to remind me that I was not wearing M's usual clothing), I took those few seconds to worry about what might happen if I was stopped along the way to work.  The optimist in me refused to believe that this would happen on this day, and I stuck the key in the ignition and moved on to the next part of my day.

The thirty-minute drive in to work was uneventful, and I really have little memory of any specifics during this time.  For all I know, everyone who passed me by on the highway just saw a dark-haired woman driving along with them on the road.  The place I worked at this time was only a few seconds off the highway interchange, so when I entered the off-ramp, I took those few seconds to prepare myself mentally for that day's adventure.  I was definitely in "I Don't Care" mode as I exited my car, put my "purse" on my shoulder, and strode towards the office complex.

Fortune was on my side this morning, as I was able to walk straight to my office cube without anyone noticing how I was dressed.  After firing up the computer at my station, I discovered an e-mail from our HR director which outlined the official events for Halloween -- there would be lunch provided for all staff, where costume awards would be awarded for best overall costume, best women's costume, best men's costume, scariest costume, and best original costume.  A few co-workers walked past my cube and passed on their distracted, "Good Morning" statemet without noticing anything out of the ordinary and I just sat there for the few seconds it took for it to register with those who had just passed by.  It was almost comical as one of those who had just passed by stopped in her tracks as though she had just run in to a brick wall, and called out, "oh my God!"

I then proceeded to have the first of about twenty variations of the same conversation -- where did you get that dress/outfit; you're pretty brave for dressing as a woman; are you wearing panties underneath -- and these serial conversations seemed to be all that I did that morning.  Each of these coversations did nothing to discourage Arianwen from getting out in to the physical world some time in the future, and I was just filled with an overwhelming sense of satisfaction.  Before I knew it, the announcement was made that lunch was ready and everyone was to assemble in the conference room where the buffet was set up.  The HR director was taking individual photos of everyone who had participated in the costume event, and then a couple of group photos prior to releasing us to get some lunch.

About twenty minutes later, the HR director came into the conference room and announced the prizes to be awarded needed to be altered drastically in order to make it fair for all -- it turned out that one person had ended up being voted as first in all categories, so a few honorable mention prizes were awarded.  When the actual results were reported, the winner in a landslide in all categories ended up being... me!  Being able to be Arianwen in public was thrilling enough for me, and this "award" just made it even better.  What a day this had been, and I didn't want it to end!